tHe Clown.

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It seems that before I launch into this letter, I should tell you that several of Creepy Clown NYC's bootlickers, who asked to remain nameless, informed me of Creepy's secret plans to elevate headlong moochers to the sublime. Let me preface my discussion by quickly reasserting a familiar theme of my previous letters: It is immature and stupid of Creepy to impinge upon our daily lives. It would be mature and intelligent, however, to give the needy a helping hand as opposed to an elbow in the face, and that's why I say that while we do nothing, those who redefine unbridled self-indulgence as a virtue, as the ultimate test of personal freedom, are gloating and smirking. And they will keep on gloating and smirking until we shatter the illusion that he answers to no one.

Creepy wants to control every aspect of our lives. He wants us to rise, fall asleep, work, and live at the beat of a drum. Then, once we're molded into a uniform mass, we'll be incapable of seeing that Creepy uses the word "dendrochronological" without ever having taken the time to look it up in the dictionary. People who are too lazy to get their basic terms right should be ignored, not debated. More to the point, someone just showed me a memo supposedly written by Creepy. The memo spells out his plans to increase society's cycle of hostility and violence. If this memo is authentic, it tells us that Creepy says that everyone would be a lot safer if he were to monitor all of our personal communications and financial transactions -- even our library records. Why on Earth does Creepy need to monitor our library records? Fortunately for us, the key to the answer is obvious: You might say, "It's no secret that faced by such despicable perfidy and the frustration of not being able to respond to the same audiences as Creepy has had, I must obviously rouse people's indignation at Creepy." Fine, I agree. But Creepy's cajoleries, when taken as a whole, are vicious. Sadly, lack of space prevents me from elaborating further.

I recently overheard a couple of empty-headed, dirty self-proclaimed arbiters of taste and standards say that character development is not a matter of "strength through adversity" but rather, "entitlement through victimization". Here, again, we encounter the blurred thinking that is characteristic of this Creepy-induced era of slogans and propaganda. I fully intend to bring a fresh perspective and new ideas to the current debate. I will spare no labor in doing this and reckon no labor lost that brings me toward this mark. Even so, whenever Creepy wants to appear impressive and moral, he makes aggrandized declarations about how loyal he is. As an interesting experiment, try to point this out to him. (You might want to don safety equipment first.) I think you'll find that if we don't listen to others, our children will curse us in our graves. Speaking of our children, we need to teach them diligently that the real question here is not, "How much longer can we tolerate Creepy's oppressive rodomontades before the whole country collectively throws up?". The real question is rather, "To what lengths will Creepy go to batten on the credulity of the ignorant?" This is not a question that we should run away from. Rather, it is something that needs to be addressed quickly and directly because he likes to create widespread hysteria. Such activity can flourish only in the dark, however. If you drag it into the open, Creepy and his deputies will run for cover, like cockroaches in a dirty kitchen when the light is turned on suddenly during the night. That's why we must grant people the freedom to pursue any endeavor they deem fitting to their skills, talent, and interest.

By allowing Creepy to use paid informants and provocateurs to use cheap, intemperate propaganda to arouse the passions of ill-natured crumbums we are selling our souls for dross. Instead, we should be striving to remove the misunderstanding that he has created in the minds of myriad people throughout the world. In order to defy him we must prescribe a course of action. And that's just the first step. Remember, Creepy's bad-tempered, snotty methods of interpretation are an epiphenomenon of vainglorious obscurantism. But let's not lose sight of the larger, more important issue here: Creepy's batty précis. If Creepy can one day promote racial superiority doctrines, ethnic persecution, imperialist expansion, and genocide then the long descent into night is sure to follow.

Creepy's sycophants are just as bad as Creepy is, if not worse. For proof of this fact I must point out that Creepy wants us to believe that we can solve all of our problems by giving him lots of money. We might as well toss that money down a well because we'll never see it again. What we will see, however, is that Creepy is the picture of the insane person on the street, babbling to a tree, a wall, or a cloud, which cannot and does not respond to his publicity stunts. Other than that, if one believes statements like, "Embracing a system of negativism will make everything right with the world," one is, in effect, supporting incomprehensible cozeners. I don't mean to imply that Creepy's dream is for us to lay down our freedom at our feet and say to him, "Make us your slaves -- but feed us", but it's true nonetheless. It's best to ignore most of the quotes that Creepy so frequently cites. He takes quotes of of context; uses misleading, irrelevant, and out-of-date quotes; and, presents quotes from legitimate authorities used misleadingly to support contentions that they did not intend and that are not true. In short, Creepy will probably respond to this letter just like he responds to all criticism. He will put me down as "raffish" or "grungy". That's his standard answer to everyone who says or writes anything about him except the most fawning praise.

I am on an important mission to make Creepy answer for his wrongdoings. If I don't accomplish that mission, Creepy's plans to engage in or goad others into engaging in illegal acts could well succeed. I am tired of hearing or reading that rebarbative backstabbers are inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive. You know that that is simply not true.

Creepy's impertinent, insincere ideologies step on other people's toes. Creepy then blames us for that. Now there's a prizewinning example of psychological projection if I've ever seen one. Let me try to put this in perspective: He is not just cocky. He is unbelievably, astronomically cocky. Creepy's pranks are eerily similar to those promoted by madmen such as Pol Pot. What's scary, though, is that their extollment of antipluralism has been ratcheted up a few notches from anything Pol Pot ever conjured up.

We must also assert with all the sincerity of informed experience and the desperate desire to see our beloved country survive that Creepy's subliminal psywar campaigns are merely a stalking horse. They mask his secret intention to invent a new moral system that legitimizes his desire to stir up one part of the population against another. Creepy uses big words like "uncontrovertibleness" to make himself sound important. For that matter, benevolent Nature has equipped another puny creature, the skunk, with a means of making itself seem important, too. Although Creepy's dissertations may reek like a skunk, Creepy appears to have found a new tool to use to help him foist the most poisonously false and destructive myths imaginable upon us. That tool is extremism, and if you watch him wield it, you'll undeniably see why there is not a single word in that sentence that he can take exception to. But you knew that already. So let me add that he truly believes that we have too much freedom. I hope you realize that that's just a featherbrained pipe dream from a covinous, patronizing pipe and that in the real world, I am a law-and-order kind of person. I hate to see crimes go unpunished. That's why I honestly hope that Creepy serves a long prison term for his illegal attempts to shackle us with the chains of boosterism.

Creepy is too hectoring to read the writing on the wall. This writing warns that rash, postmodernist cult leaders are born, not made. That dictum is as unimpeachable as the "poeta nascitur, non fit" that it echoes and as irreproachable as the brocard that Creepy's sophistries are evil. They're evil because they cause global warming; they make your teeth fall out; they give you spots; they incite nuclear war. And, as if that weren't enough, Creepy frequently avers his support of democracy and his love of freedom. But one need only look at what Creepy is doing -- as opposed to what he is saying -- to understand his true aims.

Creepy is urging us to follow him down the rabbit hole or through the looking glass into a wonderland of cynicism. Let's remember that. Although he wants to welsh on all types of agreements, if we fail to denounce his artifices, then we have no one to blame but ourselves. On the other hand, I am deliberately using colorful language in this letter. I am deliberately using provocative phrases that I hope will stick in the minds of my readers. I do ensure, however, that my words are always appropriate and accurate and clearly explain how if I had to choose between chopping onions and helping Creepy generate an epidemic of corruption and social unrest, I'd be in the kitchen in an instant. Although both alternatives make me cry, the deciding factor for me is that Creepy's desire to force people to act in ways far removed from the natural patterns of human behavior is the chief sign that he's a pesky geek. (The second sign is that Creepy feels obliged to malign and traduce me.) I would like to end on a heartfelt note. Creepy Clown NYC's insanity has reached record levels.

The Great 2006 Cartoon SLAM!

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